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Welcome to Chuckle City
"It might not be the best Liberty, but it's good for a laugh"
 
 

 
 

The Girl Across The Street

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening.*

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"*

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!*        

 

 

 
 

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.
" Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

**********
I went to the drug store and told clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave
and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a
BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

 






                           
                                                 With thanks to Dave Evans (BT2  58-62)

 

An Ode to Midrats                              By: John Petersen 

"Six in the eve, I’m just getting off watch.
In another six I’ll be back, bleary-eyed but still in touch.
Yeah, I’ll look like shit, hair and coveralls all rumpled and askew,
and yet thanks to the God saving Mid Rats, I’m fresh as mountain dew!

The pit is theirs for the next six hours, they can have it,
for me it’s time for a shower, a shave, and a gratifying…
A quick scrounge through my collection of yellow earplugs, finding the best two,
I can only hope for a few hours down time, don’t deny it. Wouldn’t you?

‘Roused from a deep slumber, the messenger calling your name,
he dares not reach into your rack, that act a formidable shame.
It’s only eleven and you still have an hour,
It’s the middle of the night and your stomach holds power.

It growls, it grunts, it tells you who’s in charge, therefore I pray…
Before I once again give another six hours to the job to which I gave my life away.
“May you, Lord, be blessed, and the Gods be thanked,
for that of which I am about to receive, my shipmates of which I am flanked.

You have seen the need, as well as the heartfelt hunger and need,
that this thing called Mid Rats is the one item wanted with unforgiving greed.
A lukewarm slider, ketchup-soaked gummy fries,
A watered down Coke or bug juice, still brings tears to the eyes,
Might be a lucky night, depending on what was for dinner,
Surf and turf, maybe Elephant scabs, overall that’d be a winner!

The all renowned Chili Mac, maybe some scrambled egg soup,
Meatballs! YUM! Drowning in some strange cheesy gloop.
I’ll scarf it down no matter what there is to choose from, for you see,
It’s gonna be a long six hours and I’ve no time for you to cook for me.

Gotta keep the Ol’ girl going, straight and forward as the orders go,
I’ll eat what you have on hand to nourish my tired yet determined soul.
This old girl can’t survive without either you or me,
and if it weren’t for the Mid Rats, today she would not be.

Amen.”

 

 

 
   A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl -- box seats plus airfare, accommodations, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

   If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m.    Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook and makes $130,000 a year. 

   She will be the one in the white dress...
 



 

 
 
The Chief and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit an old Navy BMCM, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when the Chief showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and only a retirement check, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says the Chief. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

The Chief says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

The Chief removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

The Chief says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell the Chief isn't blind, so he takes the bet. The Chief removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with the Chief's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" the Chief asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

The Chief stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. the Chief's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Chief told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!
 

 

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